Jokes

Everyone’s sense of humour is different. Wit isn’t for everyone. Some jokes will go over the head of some people. There are some jokes that make people groan rather than life. They are the same jokes that tickle someone else.

Humour is subjective and we are all made slightly differently as to what we find funny. My favourite jokes are puns or wordplay with double meanings – often cleverly constructed jokes that engages the brain to make a connection in order to laugh.

Here are some of the jokes I have shared this year:

April

Egyptian builders had lots of problems with backache whilst building the pyramids.

They had to regularly go to a Cairo-practor to help them.

What has four legs and goes boo?

A cow with a cold!

I’ve just been interrupted by an unsolicited phone call.

When I picked up the phone, all I heard was: Atchooo! Atchooo! Then the caller blew his nose.

I thought – Ah, a cold caller!

Billy gave up his job working for Pickfords as he was finding it too emotional.

Every day was a moving day.

It’s not difficult to tell the difference between crocodiles and alligators.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

It is predicted that in forty years all toddlers will be 43.

 

March

News just in that a number of criminals have infiltrated the classical music world.

It is reported that a large number of the London Philharmonic Orchestra are on the fiddle.

I’ve finally joined a gymnastics class. It took me ages to get accepted. I had to bend over backwards to get in!

Me and a friend watched four box sets back to back the other evening.

Fortunately, I was the one facing the TV.

My friend laughed when I told her I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

She soon shut up when I drove pasta.

A man went to the doctor and he told him to lose some weight.

The patient asked how.

The doctor said ‘Don’t eat anything fatty’.

The patient asked ‘What? Like pies, chips, etc..’

He replied, ‘No, – don’t eat anything, fatty!’

What do you call bears with no ears?

1) b
2) Anything you like, they won’t hear you.

What do the donkeys have for lunch on Scarborough beach? 🐴

Half an hour like everyone else! 😂

What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?

Igloos it back together again!

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

The outside.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books.

He’s only got his shelf to blame.

How do you stop moles digging up your garden?

Hide their spades.

Why doesn’t Frank Bruno play on a PlayStation?

Because he is more of an Xboxer.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

The man who created autocorrect has died.

May he restaurant in peace.

I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station.

I don’t know why… I just started filling up!

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant just by throwing in water?

If it sinks – girl ant.
If it floats – buoyant.

I really miss my old dentist but they say abscess makes the heart grow fonder!

Three men were talking about the names they had given their sons.

The first said ‘I called mine Andrew because he was born on St Andrew’s Day.’
The second said ‘I called mine David because he was born on St David’s Day.’
They asked the third man when his son was born. He replied ‘Pancake Day,’

I asked the lion in our wardrobe what he was doing there.

He said it was “Narnia business!”

February

I hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

Yesterday morning I made a Belgian waffle. Yesterday afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

I got a package in the post the other day that landed on the doormat, and on it was a label that said, ‘Please don’t bend.’

I had a right job trying to pick it up!

I walked into an embroidery shop yesterday. I ended up with pins and needles.

Just watching the end of an episode of Morse. So far it has been .–. .-. . – – -.– / –. — — -..

Archaeologists digging within a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe they have found Pharaoh Rocher.

I’m thinking of starting a social media platform for chickens.

Not as my main job, just a way to make hens meet.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me an African country that sells Nike and Adidas trainers?

Pupil: Angola?

Teacher: No, just Nike and Adidas.

Nick Berry will not be asked back to judge the Pub of the year competition after last year’s disaster when he declared every boozer wins.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef! 😂😱

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers in here!”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says ”I’d like a pint of beer please, … and a mop!”

What has four wheels and flies?

A dustbin lorry.

(Sorry, bit of a rubbish joke!)

The parking attendant at the hospital car park told a driver “You can’t park your car there, it’s badge holders only”.

He replied “I’ve got a bad shoulder, that’s why I’m here!”

 

January

I was told a joke about a duck that was supposed to be really good, but it wasn’t all that it was quacked up to be.

I’m thinking of buying a new fridge for my friend for their birthday.

I can’t wait to see their face light up when they open it!

A doctor walked into his surgery and saw a patient lying on the examination couch with carrots stuck up his nose, broccoli in his ears and gravy all over his head.

The doctor said ‘Well I can tell straight away you’ve not been eating right recently.”

The other day I was washing the car with a friend until they said “Can’t you just use a sponge?”

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!

It you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, don’t try swimming with sharks.

I heard it could cost you an arm and a leg.

I once got anxious playing Scrabble.

I should have been please getting a word using the four vowels I had.

I’ve just watched a documentary about how ships are held together.

Riveting.

I went to the cinema and saw a very sad film. The bloke behind me starting wailing.

Next thing you know, I got hit by a harpoon.

Today I am working on my interval training.

I am going to practice walking down to the front of the auditorium and purchase a tub of vanilla ice cream and then returning to my seat.

Where do whales go to play music?

An Orca-stra.

What’s the best way to find out how heavy your red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I taught a wolf to meditate.

Now he’s aware wolf.

Two silk worms challenged each other to a race.

They ended in a tie.